Last night while in the shower, I accidentally found a decent sized lump in a place that the Susan G. Koman Foundation has races for. When I say “accidentally”, I mean that I don’t routinely check for such things, or have any concerns about my physical health. Mental health is another story, but physically, I’ve always been fit as a fiddle.
Although I know it’s probably nothing, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little freaked out when I noticed it. In the remaining 7 minutes of my shower, my brain produced a stream of thoughts that went something like this:
- Crap! I’ve been eeking my way through life pretending I don’t need health insurance…now I have to go to that freakin’ Obama Care website…
- It’s probably nothing. I never get sick and cancer doesn’t run in my family, but I have had cysts before, so it’s probably just that.
- But, what if it isn’t just that? I have to call all my friends and family and tell them how much I love them. And maybe go to Disney World…
- SHIT! I haven’t been to Europe yet!
- I probably shouldn’t freak out, because it’s really probably nothing.
- But, WHAT IF it isn’t nothing?
- At least it would be more socially acceptable to feel like crap if I had cancer, than it would be to admit I felt like crap when I was in the midst of depression. I wouldn’t feel as ashamed and no one would say “snap out of it” or anything like that…
- What the Hell Amy! Have you gone MAD! I can’t believe you just thought a thing like that!
- It’s probably nothing.
- Okay, so in all those Law of Attraction audio books I’ve been listening to recently, they say “you get what you think about most of the time”. I have NOT been thinking about LUMPS in my boob! My predominant thoughts as of late have been about SHOES. I would think that warrants accidentally finding some shoes, here, dammit!
I told my boyfriend about it after the treacherous 7 minutes of internal turmoil, and he immediately looked it up. He found an article on Web MD stating that 8 out of 10 lumps are just benign cysts…then he went to go get some beer.
I still felt a little scared, so while he was gone, I snuck in a call to my mom. We concluded that it is probably just a cyst, but that I should get it checked anyway. I felt much better after talking to my mom. But still, every now and then since I found the lump, a little “what if” thought pops in my head and gets carried away…
This morning while at a meeting for work, someone asked me “How are you”? At that moment, one of those “what if” thoughts popped up and I felt like saying “Well, I’ve lost my voice, I feel like I have to pee all the time, and I found a big lump in my right boob last night”. But, I didn’t say that because I don’t want to be that TMI person (well, at least not outside blog world). Instead I smiled and said “Good. Thanks! How are you”?
There is definitely some “what if” fear going on in my head… probably just all that pink ribbon paraphernalia associated with lumps. But, it still felt a little different today…hearing how other people were doing when those “what if” thoughts popped up.
After some more research on line, I think it really is probably nothing. The majority of the time I’m not worried about it, but I WILL get it checked, and I WILL keep thinking about shoes… just in case the law of attraction really works and some of those want to pop up, too.
Lucky Wreck 
Holy crap don’t scare me like this! At least your mom was really understanding and made you feel better. Stay healthy young lady!
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Oh no. Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you! I wondered if it would be an okay thing to write about…or at least post about. On one hand, I thought it might be too personal and cause a ruckus when its really just nothing, on the other hand, I wondered if it would be bad ass to just write about what I was feeling and not worry so much about whether or not it is okay…. UGH! Sometimes my brain! It really makes me bitter! <—-that was an attempt at humor 😉
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You are brave for putting it out there. I just hope that nothing bad comes of it. I worry about you!
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Just found out that all is good!! Thank you for caring….bitterly 😉
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So glad to hear that. You are not allowed to have anything bad happen to you. Got it! That is my job.
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Definitely think about shoes. So you don’t feel ridiculous, all those things go through your head when you find a lump. I’ve found two and had two lumpectomies. Both were benign masses of one sort or other. I had a nightmare about my boobs being cut off. All normal. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Thank you so much for that jmlindy. That really does make me feel better because I DID feel ridiculous for having all those thoughts! I’m so glad to know that you are okay, too!
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I’m sure it is nothing serious–try not to worry yourself, especially through the holiday season but please, PLEASE! Do get it checked out, love! And let us know so that we can breathe a sigh of relief.
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Thank you Aussa 🙂 I really appreciate that! I agree with you. I’m sure it’s nothing serious – I won’t worry too much about it…only enough to motivate myself to get it checked! 🙂
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Hey you– is everything okay?
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Thank you SO much for checking, Aussa! It took a while to arrange all the insurance stuff and appointments, but I just found out it is only a cyst 🙂 I am working on a post to let everyone know!
Thanks, again, SO MUCH for your thoughts!!
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Ah, okay good! I’ve been popping in every so often and then I started to get worried that something bad had happened. Glad to hear all is well!
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I hope you are ok! You are a lucky wreck so it is probably just a cyst. Keep looking into the law of attraction. I would recommend a few books that really help. Quantum Success by Sandra Anne Taylor is a book I have read and am rereading right now. It might be something that has some answers for you. Here is wishing you health and happiness in 2014 and beyond. 🙂
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Hahaa! That’s true! I am pretty lucky for being such a wreck sometimes. Thanks for reminding me of that! 😉
Thanks for the reading recommendations. I will keep learning about the Law of Attraction. I was wondering what’s been going on because although a few crappy things had happened, I tried my best to look at the bright side and notice as many things possible as being good. After a while, I just said “screw it”! This day sucks and trying to sugar coat it doesn’t feel right anymore. I think the Law of Attraction is definitely working for me, just in the opposite way I had originally intended!
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I think of you and I’ve been in your situation. in my case it lead to an operation but it was just a benign cyst.
Please do two things right now:
1. Stop feeling ridiculous for showing emotions- of course it’s scary! Don’t ever excuse ypurself for expressing your fear. Ypu have all the right in the world to express that.
2. Make an appointment to check it out.
All the best!
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Thanks so much for that panikikubik 🙂 It feels good to hear it’s okay to show my emotions and feel a little freaked out about it. I did some more reading and found that these lumps are actually pretty common, so my fears have gone down quite a bit!
Your comment really helped me. I will get it checked out. All the best to YOU!
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You’re so welcome!
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Sending you virtual hugs and good vibes – not that you need them because everything’s going to be fine! – but I’m sending them to you anyway 🙂
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Your virtual hugs and good vibes must have helped because everything is fine! I just found out 🙂 I feel silly that it has taken me so long to get everything checked out and let all of you know. Thank you so much!!
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I really really hope it’s nothing. I also really hope you find those shoes! Let us know what happens, or I’ll be freaking out for my hyperscrutinizing buddy. *hyperscrutinized everything’s-going-to-be-okay high five*
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It IS nothing!! I just found out. Please excuse the HUGE amount of time it took for me to find everything out! HA! I am grateful to have a hyper scrutinize blog buddy to be able to give a “hyper scrutinized everything-is-okay high five* ” 🙂
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I have had the same 7 minutes in the shower. We’d probably be surprised how many people have experienced this. But best check it out and enjoy the relief afterwards.
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AH!! I feel so relieved to hear that you have experienced something similar. I did find out that is was nothing!! Now, I just need to deal with the embarrassment I feel for worrying about it in the first place!. 😉
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I’m glad you wrote about it. You got such awesome comments! Just as awesome as you are. P.S. Could one of your little baby shoes somehow have gotten stuck in there? I’m sure that ‘s what it is!! 🙂
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Hahaa! Thanks for always being there for me, mom!! 🙂 I’m a lucky daughter!!
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Go and get it checked, as in tomorrow. Then please let us know how you are.
Pecora (worried) Nera
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Your concern really means a lot to me, Thank you 🙂 I did make it to the doctor!! She referred me to another doctor, so it won’t be long until I know for sure what’s going on, but after all the reading I’ve been doing, I’m 99.99% sure it is just a cyst or benign lump.
Wishing you a wonderful New Year!!
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Wonderful,
And a happy New Year from
Mrs Sensible, Scooby the Machiavellian cat, Gilda fat dog and me
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Wishing you the best of luck with this and in the coming year. shoes are a great distractor. Once you go to the doctor treat yourself to a nice pair of shoes 🙂
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Thank you Psychologistmimi! I think the shoe distractor plan will work quite nicely! 🙂 Happy New year to you!!
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And maybe go to Disney World… << Too funny. :0) Yes, get it check out just to be sure. For what it's worth, I discovered a medium sized lump under my arm/breasty area when I was 17. (I really didn't have breasts until after I had my first child, and only then it was due to my milk coming in. But I don't have any small-breast hangups or anything…)
…
I went to the doctor, and he scheduled a biopsy. Back then, they knocked you OUT during biopsies, so the whole ordeal was rather pleasant. I was laughing, they were joking, it was a comfortable experience. And, it turned out to be nothing at all. (Lymph node that had gone haywire.) That was 27 years ago! On that note, I was given a diagnosis almost tow years ago that I have a 2 CM arachnoid cyst around my brain stem. For three days straight I cried and was scared out of my wits. But after that, I made the sound decision that I and only I will determine what my life consists of and I won't live in fear. Some days are better than others, but you know what? I live life fearlessly and to the fullest. Always. There's no room for pity among warriors, and you're a warrior. :0) If you were to receive some undesirable news, I have no doubt you would (utterly freak out!) be taken aback for a minute, but I know you, and I know you would be able to pull yourself together quickly and take care of business too. You're awesome like that. :0) Let us know how things go! And yes…….get that thing checked. STAT. xo
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Just found out that is is only a cyst…a decent sized one, but only a cyst 🙂
Wow! I never cease to be amazed by the things you have endured and how encouraging it is to see the way you handle things! A cyst around your brainstem?!! That sounds serious! Does it cause you any pain?
Love and tons and tons of thanks to you!!!
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That is excellent news! So glad to hear that, Amy. :0) And yeah, the whole cyst thing was a little freaky. (The size of a golf ball!) I realized that I had been living in fear of a lot of things before then. I was still brave-ish, you know, but wasn’t even aware that I was so scared of things deep down inside. What the cyst did, is shined a light on a lot of new areas that I was fearful of. When I saw that they were there, I was able to confront them. I mean, I thought I was going to die, I really did. I cried for days and thought of different family member and actually saying “goodbye goodbye”, you know? That’ll bring some depth into you real quick. So I was able to examine life in a microscopic way suddenly and reprioritize. I was able to let go of things I’ve been holding on to for years and cling to things I had been afraid of. It’s been a tremendously rewarding experience. :0) Now, I’m fearless. RARR! Hehe…really though, when you think you’re on an hourglass timer suddenly, things aren’t as big and scary as they usually are. You just have to “get crap done”, you know? So yeah, it’s helped me grow in a whole new way these past two years.
Physiologically, it’s caused a great deal of pain too. This is part of what has caused 3 days migraines for the past few years. (72 hours STRAIGHT- just pure hellish, nonstop, brutal pain.) But, because OF the excruciating migraines, I’ve had to revise my entire lifestyle (diet, alcohol, sleep- just everything) and because I have a list of “triggers” that I watch out for, always, I don’t even get the migraines any more, and hardly ever think about the cyst at all.
I made peace with it, and it with me. That’s the long version, sorry! :0) But hey, the point of my story is, there’s no such thing as a “bad thing”. If we believe things are bad, they’re bad. But this entire experience has been a great one for me, and I said all of that to encourage you. No matter what happens in life, you have the ability to turn that crap around and reshape it into something beautiful and meaningful in your hands.
Thanks for sharing the good news with me! :0)
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Ih…pardon the typos- it’s late. (It’s SO Ambien time…heheh..)
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there’s most definately a 101 things it could be so keep calm and get it checked asap.
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You are so right! It is now confirmed…it is nothing 🙂 Thank you so much for the encouragement Livingwithshadows! 🙂
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Thanks for this post, it has a refreshingly honest and revealing outlook in view of a perceived health issue. So often people think of health issues as an age related thing. Also, your issue has it’s equivalent for males, not hard to figure that out. I guess I was surprised not that you wrote about this, but the way you did it. Honest, restrained within such an potentially emotional context, and artful, especially the part in italics. I hope I’m not diminishing what you went through, certainly. Thanks again for posting this, I felt something from it. It made me reflect.
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Wow. Thank you so much for your comment. I agonized over whether or not I should post this one. I was really nervous about it, so your kind words really mean a LOT!
Everything turned out to be okay, but the “scare” gave me some perspective on life and led me to think about things in a way I hadn’t before.
Thank you, again, for taking the time to read and share your kind words! 🙂
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My wife has been through the same thing. The lumps ion her breasts are too small to be removed or harmful so we’re good for now.
Be well, my lovely friend.
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