Last night while in the shower, I accidentally found a decent sized lump in a place that the Susan G. Koman Foundation has races for. When I say “accidentally”, I mean that I don’t routinely check for such things, or have any concerns about my physical health. Mental health is another story, but physically, I’ve always been fit as a fiddle.
Although I know it’s probably nothing, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little freaked out when I noticed it. In the remaining 7 minutes of my shower, my brain produced a stream of thoughts that went something like this:
- Crap! I’ve been eeking my way through life pretending I don’t need health insurance…now I have to go to that freakin’ Obama Care website…
- It’s probably nothing. I never get sick and cancer doesn’t run in my family, but I have had cysts before, so it’s probably just that.
- But, what if it isn’t just that? I have to call all my friends and family and tell them how much I love them. And maybe go to Disney World…
- SHIT! I haven’t been to Europe yet!
- I probably shouldn’t freak out, because it’s really probably nothing.
- But, WHAT IF it isn’t nothing?
- At least it would be more socially acceptable to feel like crap if I had cancer, than it would be to admit I felt like crap when I was in the midst of depression. I wouldn’t feel as ashamed and no one would say “snap out of it” or anything like that…
- What the Hell Amy! Have you gone MAD! I can’t believe you just thought a thing like that!
- It’s probably nothing.
- Okay, so in all those Law of Attraction audio books I’ve been listening to recently, they say “you get what you think about most of the time”. I have NOT been thinking about LUMPS in my boob! My predominant thoughts as of late have been about SHOES. I would think that warrants accidentally finding some shoes, here, dammit!
I told my boyfriend about it after the treacherous 7 minutes of internal turmoil, and he immediately looked it up. He found an article on Web MD stating that 8 out of 10 lumps are just benign cysts…then he went to go get some beer.
I still felt a little scared, so while he was gone, I snuck in a call to my mom. We concluded that it is probably just a cyst, but that I should get it checked anyway. I felt much better after talking to my mom. But still, every now and then since I found the lump, a little “what if” thought pops in my head and gets carried away…
This morning while at a meeting for work, someone asked me “How are you”? At that moment, one of those “what if” thoughts popped up and I felt like saying “Well, I’ve lost my voice, I feel like I have to pee all the time, and I found a big lump in my right boob last night”. But, I didn’t say that because I don’t want to be that TMI person (well, at least not outside blog world). Instead I smiled and said “Good. Thanks! How are you”?
There is definitely some “what if” fear going on in my head… probably just all that pink ribbon paraphernalia associated with lumps. But, it still felt a little different today…hearing how other people were doing when those “what if” thoughts popped up.
After some more research on line, I think it really is probably nothing. The majority of the time I’m not worried about it, but I WILL get it checked, and I WILL keep thinking about shoes… just in case the law of attraction really works and some of those want to pop up, too.