5 things I thought would kill me, but didn’t.

This post has nothing to do with technology, but it contains things that make me feel kind of tard-ish, so I figured it would still be relevant.

The beginning of the holiday season can get kind of stressful. When stressful things happen, I tend to be reminded of the old adage “That which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. Usually, when I am stressed and I hear that, I want to punch someone in the throat. But, since that is legally not an option, I must find other coping mechanisms. I’ve found that when I recall all the previous times I felt so stressed I thought I would die, but didn’t… it helps!  So, here are 5 things I thought would kill me, but didn’t

5.  Chocolate milk

When I was 11, I moved from living with my mom in a small po-dunk town in Wyoming, to living with my dad in one of the top 10 largest cities in the United States. The move took place the summer before I started Jr. High. It was a pretty exciting move for me at the time. Phoenix had malls…in the same state…in the same city…in the same neighborhood!

I didn’t have any friends in Phoenix yet (but, that was okay…they had malls). My dad signed me up for this summer camp thing at the nearest Lutheran Church for other soon-to-be Jr. High kids. I became pretty good buddies with another girl who would be going to the same school I would be going to. And, she had other friends who were cool (and ultimately would be the popular kids at Rhodes Jr. High). By the grace of the lord ( I am not religious, but we did meet at church), she invited me to sit with her and the cool kids at lunch on the first day of school. I was so excited! Sitting at the “cool kids” table! I had always wanted to be a popular “cool kid”!  I was a little too clumsy and socially awkward for that to fly in Wyoming, but, in Phoenix, I had a whole new chance! The possibilities were endless! …Until, I sat in my chocolate milk.

That’s right. I sat in my chocolate milk at the popular kids table on the fist day of Jr. High. To this day, I have no idea HOW I could have been clumsy enough to pull that off, but I did. And, I was wearing new white shorts (from the mall). Needless to say, I didn’t sit at the popular kids table at Rhodes Jr. High anymore after that….

Note any other kind of accident spillage the color of chocolate milk on the seat of   white shorts might imply. P.S. In general, white shorts are not a the best wardrobe choice for a clumsy, pre-pubescent girl.

Although I welcomed death that day,(I had to complete the remainder of the school day with chocolate milk spilled on the seat of my white shorts) it didn’t happen. Fortunately, it turned out I had to move for the 8th grade, so everything ended up working out okay for my reputation 🙂

4.  Getting the most atrocious GRE score on the planet.

One of my biggest challenges in life has been with math. To be honest, I really didn’t study math for the Graduate Record Exam as much as I could have, or should have.  If I’d had a choice between doing math and having a gasoline enema, I would have chosen the gasoline enema ( idea courtesy of LS). NO CONTEST. (I hope my boyfriend does not read this. He likes math.) I am now learning though, that math can be somewhat fascinating. But, at the time, my math anxiety was so intense, that the left hemisphere of my brain just completely shut down. I discovered it was anxiety  when the only A I’d ever gotten on a math test was after I drank 2 beers.  This led me to conclude that I’m not necessarily mathematically stupid, it just means that if I am expected to calculate an algebraic equation in a timely manner, I will need to get drunk. Since it is not permissible to take the GRE drunk, I produced this incomprehensibly awful quantitative reasoning score:

This means that 4% of the people who took the GRE did worse than me.

Its okay. You can laugh. I have since figured out that all I have to do is believe in me, and know that everyone is special in their own way. 

3. Getting Dumped

Totally thought I would die. Didn’t die. Turned out to be one of the best things to have happened, so: perspective achieved. Nuff said 🙂

2. Getting Laid Off

Ditto # 3, double the “one of the best things to have happened” part.

1. New boyfriend

This one might look like I am trying to be funny, but seriously it may be the most horrific thing I have ever experienced in my life. I had just met what was then my dream man.  I couldn’t believe this awesome dude wanted to date me!?!  It must have been all the therapy and self affirmations I had done?  I had practiced saying “I am lovable an capable” in the mirror so much that is must have affected  my subconscious enough for him to see it, too?  The initial idea was that I would say it enough times that it would eventually sink in to my subconscious and  I could lovably and capably enter any room, and own that beeotch! So, it must have been working, right?

Anyway, I had just started dating this guy I really liked.  On our 3rd date, the new “lovable and capable” me, decided I would try to inspire one of those romantic comedy-like montage scenes in his head.  My goal was to be as cutesy as possible.   I started jumping up and down all cutesy-like, and landed in to my worst nightmare… PFFFTThbhbhbplfffafrrrrrTT!!! <—-that is the best I can to to re-create a sound that originally did not come out of my keyboard. Oh sure. It’s all fine and funny if a guy does that.  If an alien anthropologist were to come to earth and study human behavior, a nice audible “PFFFTThbhbhbplfffafrrrrrTT”  from an adult male would probably be noted as a sign of strength…. something like: The male human establishes his dominance by emitting “PFFFTThbhbhbplfffafrrrrrTT” from the anus.  All other males then bow in awe .  But a lady! A lady  must never discuss digestive functions, let alone have them …out loud.

Having  had so much therapy up to that point, you would think I would have been be amply prepared to handle such a catastrophic event, but I was not. I was not at all prepared to have accidentally shown the existence of my digestive system to my new dream guy.  But, I did. And I lived. And I am now stronger because of it! (?) ! (?)!.

So, for this Thanksgiving, in addition to being thankful for my awesome family and amazing friends, I am thankful for all the things I thought would kill me, but didn’t.  Because, that which hasn’t killed me, has made me stronger!(?)!  SO…the next time I accidentally sit in my chocolate milk, I am now strong enough to loveably and capably walk into any room and own that beeeeotch (with chocolate milk pants) !! Thankfully, that IS permissible while drunk.

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20 thoughts on “5 things I thought would kill me, but didn’t.

  1. I love reading your blog not just because I am your mother, but because I learn all kinds of new things about you – things that make me proud to have given birth to you!

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  2. Teehee, I recently had a conversation with my girlfriend (of nearly three years) about farting in front of each other – we’ve done it pretty much since our first date. Better to get it out of the way quickly – lady or gent, you can’t help stop the body doing what it does!

    Very funny post, thank you!

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    • Hahaa! Thank YOU Moon Under Water! Glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks of such things 🙂 That farting incident happened quite some time ago, but in hindsight, I completely agree with you. Better to get that stuff out of the way quickly!

      Thank you for commenting!

      Like

  3. Yeah, but that guy didn’t survive your anal evacuation did he? That’s why you left Arizona, escaping those manslaughter charges…

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    • Thank you Justspice! 🙂 I’m so glad you enjoyed the post 🙂 I know what you mean, a break-up definitely feels like its going to kill you when you go through it. I hope you are okay and find it turns out to be the best thing in the long run for you, too 🙂

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