I’ve been having trouble blogging lately. Or rather, I’ve been having trouble “finding motivational moments from my mistakes” and “making my neuroses funny” kind of blogging lately.
I was excited for this blog to be all about empowering myself until I became a bad-ass. But, I have fallen off the bad-ass wagon. I haven’t been feeling very bad-ass lately. Instead, I’ve been feeling angry…and ashamed of feeling angry…and ashamed of eating too many carbs because I’m feeling ashamed and angry…. and all that makes me angry. I am an angry and ashamed hot mess.
pissed off + ashamed of being pissed off+ too many carbs = HOT MESS
It’s probably 82% hormonal, and 100% my fault, but it’s still there, and I am ashamed of it.
Anger is kind of like the red-headed step child of my emotions. I’ve neglected it, mistreated it, and tried to hide it in my closet.
I’v also tried to trick it into being something else by forcing it to wear fancy, poofy, dresses (which hasn’t seemed to help).
Fancy Fury
But, I’ve never really acknowledged, it or owned up to it. Maybe I ought to give that a try, before I end up: Darth-Amy, Sith Lord.
Maybe it’s trying to tell me something? I’ve spent much of my life as a wounded bird… trying to do and be what I think other people want me to do and be. I’m afraid if I don’t, I won’t be successful or liked. But, when I do that, I end up giving away all my cards, and my self respect. Then, after a while, I feel angry. And it’s no one’s fault but my own. So, I chow down on carbs. It’s a big, people pleasing, angry, full of shame, carb-chowing, mess.
Maybe my anger its trying to tell me to knock it off and break the cycle? Maybe it’s trying to tell me to read some more of Brene Brown‘s work on shame? Or, to make my own cards, gain some self respect, and re-bad-assify myself?
Operation Bad-Ass: Phase II
Use energy from fancy fury to re-bad-assify and gain self respect. GO!
Lucky Wreck 
Good luck with your bad assery. Don’t go too crazy with it though.
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Thank you donofalltrades 🙂 I’ll make sure I don’t get carried away! Just enough bad-assery to lift me out of feeling crappy!
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Rule #1 of badassery: let your self be angry!
~Bkstr
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Thanks Bkstr! I just gave Rult #1 of badassery a try…I let myself feel angry, and I all of a sudden feel better! Badassery Rules! The Rules of badassery … rule … 😀
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I think you should go full tilt angry, but mostly bitter. I’m so glad you are back. It’s been an eternity in blog years!
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Thank you Ben! I have been so inspired by your bitter blog. Who knew bitterness could make the world a better place? But I have to say, in some circumstances, it certainly does! 😉
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You bitter believe it. Good bloggers like you should be out there on the network sharing your goodness to counteract the bitter like me. I will put my bitterness aside(for a little bit) if that is what it takes getting you blogging again.
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I feel you, Amy- totally……
It’s hard to not be pissed off these days! I cracked up when I read this: “I am an angry and ashamed hot mess.” That’s EPIC, seriously. If you can admit to that- you can do anything…heheh… Your honesty, as always, is so refreshing. I think, sociologically speaking, we live in a world where the media packages and mass-distributes smiling “perfect people”. They become our measuring sticks. Everybody’s skinny and happy and always smiling. It’s such *&^%%$#@!!! In my world, the car breaks down, I’m bloated and cranky, and am often digging change out of my sticky, cluttered purse for toilet paper. It’s just REAL LIFE. But you know, after so many comparisons to the “plastic people”, it’s not hard to feel inadequate and bitter. Like Ben. That’s why I adore Bitter Ben- he makes no pretense of putting on a polite show. I adore you too and if you ever started writing about how perfect your life is and how perfect things always are- I’d be worried. 😉 You’re encouraging and inspiring! When I see somebody like you speaking out about the holes in the fabric of society (and “self”) it tells me that I’m not alone in my theories. I appreciate you, always. xoxo
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Oh my goodness Birgitta … I’m not sure if I’ve ever told you this, but my life is 132% better because of you. Seriously. Your encouragement and support…and the fact that you take the time out of your busy schedule to share your encouragement and support, means the world to me. I have found strength (and bad-ass-ness) from your comments so many times, I can’t begin to tell you! I think you have magical powers…. 😉
I appreciate YOU, always! xoxo
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I assure you ma’dam, I do NOT have magical powers. If I did, I’d have waaaay more toilet paper. But I do thank you just the same, Amy. I only bounce back what is shown in the mirror! So you see- it’s YOU that has all of that bad-assedness- (it seems like it’s me, but it’s not). I’m excited to see what you’re going to do in the future. Remember- all of these valleys are necessary to give us the kickstart we need up the mountains! xo
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I agree with Amy, what you lack in toilet paper you have in wisdom ❤ hahahahaha. You are appreciated and loved Birgitta for all that you do.
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I’m sorry you are feeling crapppy. I was feeling a bit angry (for no reason) myself today. Perhaps it runs in the family. Anyway,I’m glad you are back to blogging. And you really need to listen to what “monochromejunkie” has to say. She has you perfectly pegged!! 🙂
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I was just listening to one of those psychology books, and ironically, the author mentioned that things like that do run in families! HA! He also said that things like being creative, loving, generous and kind runs in families, too. If I’ve ever been accused of that, I know it comes from you!
I am not sure what I’ve done to earn monochrome’s favor, but I am so grateful for her! You should check out her blog, too! She is quite an amazing person 🙂
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You freaking rock, girl… I’ve noticed you haven’t been posting much recently…. Your comment about being a wounded bird really hit me…. I can relate. People say I come across confident on my blog, but honestly, I am anything but in a lot of ways…
Mostly, though, I would say that from what I’ve seen of you, you are beautiful inside and out, and I hope you can embrace yourself with the love you give to others. Be true to yourself because, even if you feel you are making others happy by being what they seem to want you to be, if you yourself are not happy with the outcome, what’s the point?
It’s okay to be angry. And to laugh at yourself! And to eat carbs!!! Love the honesty of this post.
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Thank you so much Jessica! I actually read your comment much earlier, and tried to respond, but I kept deleting and re-writing…even in the reply section! I couldn’t (and to some degree still can’t) figure out how to convey how much your comment means without sounding cheesy! But, I have decided to put a timer on it (I am giving myself so many min. to respond, then my alarm goes off. HA!), so this may be a cheesy reply, but I really appreciate your comment and sharing how you can relate the feeling like a wounded bird.
I love your work, and it is an honor to get feedback from you! 🙂
(there goes the alarm…)
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I’m so with you on the ‘trying to do and be what I think other people want me to do and be’ part. It’s hard not to do it any other way. Lots of luck re-bad-assifying yourself! Go you!
Also, carbs are delicious. Never be ashamed of eating too many carbs.
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Hahaa! Thanks MissFourEyes. Actually, now that you mention it, I suppose eating carbs WOULD be kind of a bad-ass thing to do…since its going against the grain <—-(no pun intended, but i like it anyway) and not caring about trying to be perfect. Okay. Its settled! Carbs galore goin' on over here! 🙂
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My sister once told me, “Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a mode of travel.” I think anger is similar. Anger is really good at telling us when to act. It’s not as good at telling us how to act. It’s like the mind’s alarm clock. It goes off when it’s time to get up, but you still have to do something, even if it just means hitting the snooze alarm. If you want to practice being a badass, the alarm clock is a great place to start.
Also, Starbucks makes a phenomenal Java Chip Frappucino Ice Cream. It’s like a snooze alarm for the soul.
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Very well said, Laboroflike 🙂 I agree, it IS like the mind’s alarm clock. I realized a few things I needed to do, and once I took action to do them, the anger dissipated.
P.S. I LOVE Java Chip Frappucino Ice Cream 😉
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I originally read this last week I think and wanted to share some thoughts but was on vacation in Texas and who can think in Texas? I think we all have times in our lives that we feel angry about our position in life. A wise person once told me there are only two causes of anger, fear that our needs are not going to be met or a fear of physical harm. I think it was very astute to connect your anger to fear and to seek to overcome it that way. Don’t beat yourself up too badly, whatever you have done or not done is yesterday’s news and today, and the actions that you take are all there is, so I urge you to take action and move toward your goals. (I give myself this speech almost every morning lately) 🙂 Your writing is fantastic and it is fueled by the great thoughts you have, keep it up Amy!!
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Its funny you say that, Jonathan…because I am in Texas. HAHAA! Perhaps that is the reason it sometimes takes me so long to respond to comments? 😉
I really appreciate that you took the time to comment after your trip to Texas. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. That truly helps and keeps me going! The speech you give yourself everyday is very motivating. I think I may borrow it! 😉
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All things from Texas seem to be AWESOME. So no surprise you are there. You can borrow my motivational speeches anytime. That’s what friends are for. I encourage you to write more because you are so Damn good at it. 🙂
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YOU’RE BACK!
Your anger notwithstanding, I’m overjoyed to see you again, my friend!
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Thank you, Hook! I must say, I am overjoyed to see you, too! 🙂
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Hey girl!! I was thinking about you the other day and am really happy to see that you have a new blog post. I know what you mean about feeling bad about posting unpositive things. To be honest, some of my facebook friends have made me feel guilty about posting negative statuses. But to be honest, I am really over people telling me that. This is YOUR page. My facebook page is MINE. We should feel free to put out there in which way in how we feel at any given moment. I think the best writers are honest and real. People that I can relate to on my worst day and on my best. I’m just saying, I support you venting on here. There is strength in flying but there is also strength in showing that you fall sometimes as well. Good luck and happy you are back !
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Hi Jen!
So happy to see you! I am trying to improve my time management and post more consistently, but I seem to fall sometimes at that, too! HA!
Thanks so much for your support about the venting. Writing this actually helped me feel a lot better. It kind of cleared my head a bit, and once I did that, it almost helped me see the upside of anger…or any other emotion. The crappy emotions and failures can be just as important as the good emotions and success I think. They create contrast, and without that, we wouldn’t see things clearly. So, I COMPLETELY support you posting a negative status on your FB page if that is how you feel at the time. Its okay to not feel perfect all the time and no one should have to feel guilty for that! 🙂
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