I’ve been having trouble blogging lately. Or rather, I’ve been having trouble “finding motivational moments from my mistakes” and “making my neuroses funny” kind of blogging lately.
I was excited for this blog to be all about empowering myself until I became a bad-ass. But, I have fallen off the bad-ass wagon. I haven’t been feeling very bad-ass lately. Instead, I’ve been feeling angry…and ashamed of feeling angry…and ashamed of eating too many carbs because I’m feeling ashamed and angry…. and all that makes me angry. I am an angry and ashamed hot mess.
pissed off + ashamed of being pissed off+ too many carbs = HOT MESS
It’s probably 82% hormonal, and 100% my fault, but it’s still there, and I am ashamed of it.
Anger is kind of like the red-headed step child of my emotions. I’ve neglected it, mistreated it, and tried to hide it in my closet.
I’v also tried to trick it into being something else by forcing it to wear fancy, poofy, dresses (which hasn’t seemed to help).
But, I’ve never really acknowledged, it or owned up to it. Maybe I ought to give that a try, before I end up: Darth-Amy, Sith Lord.
Maybe it’s trying to tell me something? I’ve spent much of my life as a wounded bird… trying to do and be what I think other people want me to do and be. I’m afraid if I don’t, I won’t be successful or liked. But, when I do that, I end up giving away all my cards, and my self respect. Then, after a while, I feel angry. And it’s no one’s fault but my own. So, I chow down on carbs. It’s a big, people pleasing, angry, full of shame, carb-chowing, mess.
Maybe my anger its trying to tell me to knock it off and break the cycle? Maybe it’s trying to tell me to read some more of Brene Brown‘s work on shame? Or, to make my own cards, gain some self respect, and re-bad-assify myself?
Operation Bad-Ass: Phase II
Use energy from fancy fury to re-bad-assify and gain self respect. GO!